So we were taught at the Marriage Preparation Course! Luckily, for me and Hoopoe, we learnt it the hard way and were already implementing the same. Thanks to Fr. Deepak and my therapy sessions; reading and working on the book, "Loving Choices" , which dealt with healing the hurting inner child inside each of us, emotional baggage etc.
1. The first and foremost thing told to us was to use “
I” statements when confronting our loved one or expressing ourselves, instead of the more commonly used “
You”.
Eg.’s: “
I felt hurt when you said so and so to me”
And NOT.. the classic.. “
You hurt me”
I feel sad when you speak in that tone or
I get angry
And NOT…
You make me sad or
You make me angry.
2. Speak what you feel and don’t lecture the person on an issue.
This is the part where 99% of us err, we speak about everything, except, what we are feeling! However, to say what we feel, we need to recognize what we are feeling. Fear, hurt, sadness, anger, loneliness.
Take smoking as an example as the issue concerned.
Say what you actually feel, like “
I feel scared that I will lose you to terrible diseases, I fear I will have to live without you, I’m scared to live alone…”
Rather than …”
Smoking is harmful, it will destroy your lungs. I guess you don’t love me enough, else, how can you smoke, even when I tell you not to. You don’t care about yourself and me too. Why don’t you stop smoking…..”
Do you notice the difference in the communication style? I guess you do.
3. Have control over what you say, never say things in a fit of anger or when emotionally clouded. Become calm and then tackle the situation.
When angry, it’s natural to say things which, later on, we wish we could have avoided, like
“
I hate you”
“I know you don’t love me like before.”
“You were concerned before, now it doesn’t even bother you.”
“Earlier, you would always call, now you don’t care.”
“You don’t understand me any more, other things are more important to you…”
In many cases, these statements are far from being true; it just takes, a little understanding of ourselves to sort this out.
Calm yourself down and then deal with the issue. Issues will always come and go, some will have a solution and some just won’t. You need to know what’s important, the issue or your relationship?
One person winning and the other losing in a relationship, means the relationship has lost. The only solution is when both partners win. Such is a compromise that needs to be struck. A win-win solution should always be sought for. Brainstorm for various possibilities and you will find a way.
Nothing is easy at first, but, over a period of time, it just gets easier.
5. Focus on the issue and not on the irrelevant stuff. Don’t try to hurt the opposite person to score a point over him/ her. It leads no where.
6. Don’t bring up the past. The present is what is important.
7. See to it that the remote control of your emotions is in your own hand, don’t hand it over to anyone, not even to your partner! You are responsible for the emotions you experience. When things are getting tough, know to press the pause button and continue your discussion at a later time or date! Don’t sap all your energy over the issue, no matter, how important it maybe. You, your partner and the relationship you share is far more important.
8. At the end of the day, no matter how tough it is, tell your partner that you love him/ her. Apologise for having one of those not nice days, although, you may not have been the one at fault. Promise to deal with the same at the first given opportunity, and stick to it. Thank your partner for sharing this time with you even on this not nice day. These simple words, keeps just the issue at hand in focus, and disperses away the rest of the emotional baggage. It helps you sleep with a clear mind. This takes a lot of practice. But, trust us, many of the issues seems trivial when sorted out with a clear mind.
When Hoopoe and I met, we were a total mess; I would cry days on end, sometimes simply hold onto anger, because I wanted to be pampered, and unfortunately, things would take an ugly turn. It damaged my health even further, my self esteem and everything that made me. I was irritable, indifferent to my family members for no fault of theirs, sat quietly in my own shell, sulking, with tears dropping, and my mind replaying 24/7 non-stop, about, what Hoopoe said and what I said; thinking about all the past hurts and the ingratitude etc etc.. However, with practice, a lot has changed now.
Last but not the least, they say, “
At every moment, you are either contributing or contaminating your relationship, it is always one of the two!” You know how you would like your relationship to be! So be it by thoughts, words or actions, always seek to contribute towards the beautiful relationship you share!
Beautiful relationships are not an outcome of a single day’s work, it requires constant attention, monitoring and nurturing. It has to be constantly worked up on. If you see love and the so called chemistry in a couple even after years of marriage; remember, all that it takes is putting your partner first before your ego, by that I don’t mean being a doormat; it just needs humility and the determination to see hard times through, with love!
