Conflict Management in a Relationship! (MPC VI)

So we were taught at the Marriage Preparation Course! Luckily, for me and Hoopoe, we learnt it the hard way and were already implementing the same. Thanks to Fr. Deepak and my therapy sessions; reading and working on the book, "Loving Choices" , which dealt with healing the hurting inner child inside each of us, emotional baggage etc.

1. The first and foremost thing told to us was to use “I” statements when confronting our loved one or expressing ourselves, instead of the more commonly used “You”.

Eg.’s: “I felt hurt when you said so and so to me”
And NOT.. the classic.. “You hurt me”

I feel sad when you speak in that tone or I get angry
And NOT… You make me sad or You make me angry.

2. Speak what you feel and don’t lecture the person on an issue.
This is the part where 99% of us err, we speak about everything, except, what we are feeling! However, to say what we feel, we need to recognize what we are feeling. Fear, hurt, sadness, anger, loneliness.

Take smoking as an example as the issue concerned.
Say what you actually feel, like “ I feel scared that I will lose you to terrible diseases, I fear I will have to live without you, I’m scared to live alone…”
Rather than …”Smoking is harmful, it will destroy your lungs. I guess you don’t love me enough, else, how can you smoke, even when I tell you not to. You don’t care about yourself and me too. Why don’t you stop smoking…..”

Do you notice the difference in the communication style? I guess you do.

3. Have control over what you say, never say things in a fit of anger or when emotionally clouded. Become calm and then tackle the situation.

When angry, it’s natural to say things which, later on, we wish we could have avoided, like
“I hate you”
“I know you don’t love me like before.”
“You were concerned before, now it doesn’t even bother you.”
“Earlier, you would always call, now you don’t care.”
“You don’t understand me any more, other things are more important to you…”

In many cases, these statements are far from being true; it just takes, a little understanding of ourselves to sort this out.

Calm yourself down and then deal with the issue. Issues will always come and go, some will have a solution and some just won’t. You need to know what’s important, the issue or your relationship?

One person winning and the other losing in a relationship, means the relationship has lost. The only solution is when both partners win. Such is a compromise that needs to be struck. A win-win solution should always be sought for. Brainstorm for various possibilities and you will find a way.
Nothing is easy at first, but, over a period of time, it just gets easier.

5. Focus on the issue and not on the irrelevant stuff. Don’t try to hurt the opposite person to score a point over him/ her. It leads no where.

6. Don’t bring up the past. The present is what is important.

7. See to it that the remote control of your emotions is in your own hand, don’t hand it over to anyone, not even to your partner! You are responsible for the emotions you experience. When things are getting tough, know to press the pause button and continue your discussion at a later time or date! Don’t sap all your energy over the issue, no matter, how important it maybe. You, your partner and the relationship you share is far more important.

8. At the end of the day, no matter how tough it is, tell your partner that you love him/ her. Apologise for having one of those not nice days, although, you may not have been the one at fault. Promise to deal with the same at the first given opportunity, and stick to it. Thank your partner for sharing this time with you even on this not nice day. These simple words, keeps just the issue at hand in focus, and disperses away the rest of the emotional baggage. It helps you sleep with a clear mind. This takes a lot of practice. But, trust us, many of the issues seems trivial when sorted out with a clear mind.

When Hoopoe and I met, we were a total mess; I would cry days on end, sometimes simply hold onto anger, because I wanted to be pampered, and unfortunately, things would take an ugly turn. It damaged my health even further, my self esteem and everything that made me. I was irritable, indifferent to my family members for no fault of theirs, sat quietly in my own shell, sulking, with tears dropping, and my mind replaying 24/7 non-stop, about, what Hoopoe said and what I said; thinking about all the past hurts and the ingratitude etc etc.. However, with practice, a lot has changed now.

Last but not the least, they say, “At every moment, you are either contributing or contaminating your relationship, it is always one of the two!” You know how you would like your relationship to be! So be it by thoughts, words or actions, always seek to contribute towards the beautiful relationship you share!

Beautiful relationships are not an outcome of a single day’s work, it requires constant attention, monitoring and nurturing. It has to be constantly worked up on. If you see love and the so called chemistry in a couple even after years of marriage; remember, all that it takes is putting your partner first before your ego, by that I don’t mean being a doormat; it just needs humility and the determination to see hard times through, with love!

Marriage Preparation Course V

In the entire course of the MPC, creating a vision for our Marriage and praying over the same during the Eucharistic Celebration was the defining moment for me.

We needed to create a vision for our marriage, as well as state three practical steps that we would take in the course of our everyday life, in order to make it a reality.

Our vision and steps are as follows:
“To constantly grow in a deep intimate relationship with each other and create a home for our family.”
1.    Share atleast one meal and a prayer
2.    Share any hurt feelings before retiring to bed.
3.    Affirm each other by saying, “I love you, I want you”.

Then, during one of the sessions, a clipping from a documentary by Times Wellness was shown. The name of the documentary is:
“Who the Hell thought about the idea of Marriage?” 
The documentary did give some insight into how couples behave when in a relationship; at the start, everything seems hunky dory, while later on, the very actions of our spouse that attracted us, begins to turn us off!


One of the books recommended to make a good read was:
“The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman
I still have to get hold of a copy of this book!


There were other sessions on Relationship Communication, Conflict Management etc. which were helpful, and gave a good insight into the way we should deal with our issues.

Finally, at the end of the MPC, we had to make a note on what we had learnt from the course.

This is what Hoopoe had to say:
Marriage can be the best thing that can happen to me provided it is continuously worked upon.

This is what I wrote:
I have learnt many ways to deal with conflict. It has made me see our relationship in a new light and it makes me feel that we are truly Blessed to be with each other. Moreover, it has made me realize Hoopoe’s true love for me, now, I believe in it. It also has helped me recognize a number of skills that Hoopoe possesses, which are much better than mine. The biggest lesson that I have learnt is, that, I need to tell Hoopoe exactly what I want and how I feel, and, there is nothing wrong in asking.

-Sweetness

Love Letters (MPC IV)

A love letter themed “Expectations” had to be written by each of us to our partner. It had a structure which needed to be followed which went like:
1. Salutation (which had to include the partner's name, or a name by which we address our partner, and NOT anything vague like "to my dearest, to my love etc etc" unless you address the person "dearest" or "love".
2. State the reason why you chose your partner.
3. State three expectations that you have from the marriage.
4. State two expectations that you have from your partner.
5. Conclude the letter.

So, this was the letter written by Hoopoe to me:

Dear Sweetness,
I love you and I chose you because of the care and warmth I get from you.
I have three expectations from our Marriage:
1. Faithfulness and honesty
2. Care and warmth
3. Pride in the way we live.
I have two expectations from you:
1. Continue being honest with me like you have always been.
2. Assure me when I am down.
Love you darling,
Hoopoe

A love letter based on the same theme written to Hoopoe by me:

My Love,
You make me feel loved, accepted and cared for. I can just be myself with you. I can be honest and express my deepest feelings to you, without any hesitation. I don’t have to put on any behaviour or masks. I do feel your true love for me; you truly are the best for me, my Love.
In our marriage, I dream:
1.    That we constantly grow in our relationship, which makes us better individuals and a great couple.
2.    Both of us jointly work on a project, that fills us with contentment.
3.    That we create a family where love and acceptance abounds.
Two expectations that I would like you to fulfill are:
1.    To look into my eyes with a smile on your face or a wink in your eyes, and, to hold my hand or touch me each time you have the opportunity.
2.    To express your feelings to me, your joy, moments that have touched you, words/ instances that have hurt you.
I love you immensely my Hoopoe.
Yours,
Sweetness

- Sweetness

The Day Hoopoe gave me our Commitment Ring!

We apologise to all our readers for editing this post on 23rd March, 2010. For our personal reasons, we felt the need to do so. Thank you for the encouragement and good wishes.

Post Valentine, and memories of the day, on which, Hoopoe slipped the ring onto my finger come flooding back to me.

It was January 11th,’09; I would be meeting Hoopoe after six whole months! While he was away, we went through a lot of ups and downs; minor issues were magnified, and the more hurting emotions just shoved away in silence. Communication was a problem, because as a policy of his company, he could write just about 450 characters per day which cost him a dollar! Speaking over the phone was terribly expensive, and a luxury which we indulged in every fortnight or every month, depending on the kind of voyage orders.

The heart wrenching feeling after a tiff was horrible and unexplainable. It felt better to ignore issues, because, that seemed more manageable as compared to ironing out our differences. I think this is the most painful process in any relationship. Drawing a line between confronting emotions and letting go is a mighty task! It indeed takes heroism to live a beautiful relationship! Allowing negative emotions and feelings fester, destroys the relationship on the long run, while confronting them is agonizingly painful. Dealing with such terrible agony associated with love is truly heroic!

Such were the kind of days we had when Hoopoe was away; nice, not nice and terrible ones! I had to keep in mind that he was away from family and needed to concentrate on his work, because not only his work would suffer, but, his life too was at greater risk. There were some nasty statements that passed between us and they mostly revolved around my health.

To be very honest, it is very difficult to recount the negative feelings and emotions, especially, the ones at which I still hurt and need healing! But, I am aware that expressing them is one way of attaining closure to these feelings.

Being in a wrecked emotional state and having Hoopoe sail through pirate waters a fortnight ago made me more like a person without emotions! I didn’t even know what I was feeling! All I knew is that I wanted to just crash into his arms and stay in that embrace forever; free from emotions, free from any sort of negative feelings… I just wanted love and simplicity in life..

The day dawned, I was anxiously awaiting his arrival; I saw him tugging at his huge suitcase from a distance and my heart was pounding! He was finally coming home to spend time with me after six months! I ran towards the door, held it open and saw him standing there, his eyes overflowing with love for me; I wanted to kiss him and cry to him, I wanted to know why did he make me wait so long for him, however, I could do no more than hugging him, cause I was surrounded with family who were equally ecstatic to have him over.

I was waiting to spend some precious moments alone with him, but, not a chance till noon.

Finally, when everyone was having their nap, we began unwinding up. I still vividly remember my love, just as a passing question asking me, “If I had to propose to you, during this phase, how and where would you want it to be, a candle light dinner or a long night drive or a romantic place or a 5 star setting? What would you prefer?” And all I said was, “Well, we are at such a stage that this seems passé, especially now; since I’m so much in love with you, I would feel like a Princess if you propose to me when we are spending some quiet moments of togetherness, especially at night.”(the most romantic part of the 24 hour cycle to me).

Well Well!! You must be wondering that I probably had butterflies in my stomach hearing what he said, but, that wasn’t the case, cause I always enjoyed teasing him, making him propose a billion times over to me with the most frilly and romantic words, and I would only approve of something that appealed to me the best! And believe me; I never tire of this stuff! I simply enjoy listening to the reasons as to why he wants to spend his life with me. It works wonders for me, especially, the way I feel about myself! So, to me, this was just part of such a stint and not to forget, that, I have been tired of telling him, that I needed a commitment ring (which in my dream world comes before an engagement ring), to me a symbol of commitment for life! We have had many issues over this subject too.

The evening passes off, had my friends over who were on their teasing mode, but, I am a one man’s army, the number of people trying to get at me, barely matters!

Evening passes into night. My family members have retired to sleep and I am preparing myself for a long night snooze. Hoopoe  tells me that he wants to speak to me; we speak mainly about his family; after a while he holds my hand close to his chest and says, “Baby, I need to tell you something, I know this will not sound good, since, I  feel that you are already my wife, but, I need to ask you this question, and I really hope that you don’t mind.”

At this time, my heart sank because I thought, he would tell me something about his parents, and again, I would have to go through all the turmoil that I so detest, I felt exhausted, but, I knew I had to listen! I wished that our sweet little talk never ended and he didn’t have to say what he wanted to…… when suddenly, I hear the words, “Will you marry me?” And there I feel a ring slipping onto my finger!!!!!!!!!!!!

My heart nearly stopped; did I hear him correctly? Does he know what he is doing? Didn’t I make it clear to him that a ring on my finger indicates commitment for life and there is not turning back?…. Thousands of questions flooded my mind, and all I could say was  “Wait”.

I had to clear from my head all those questions before I could accept the ring which symbolized so much to me!

I asked him tons of them which seemed to go on for an eternity, “Will you accept me as I am? Do you realize what are you getting into? Do you know maybe I will not improve? What if I just get worse? How will you manage? What about your parents......?”

After having clarified each and everything with him, I finally said  “Yes”, with my heart bouncing up and down, I fighting back tears, wondering how Blessed I am to be living this life!!!! Gosh! Everything seemed so BEAUTIFUL!

He asked, “Can we get married right now?” I said, “It won’t be correct, because, we neither have a community nor a priest to Bless our marriage”. That’s when he said, “But, Jesus is right here with us, do you need anyone greater than Him?”. I said, “No”.

He took off the ring from my finger and again began slipping it onto my finger with the words, “I Hoopoe (we used our real names) take you Sweetness as my wife; I promise to be true to you and love you in good times and bad, sickness and health all the days of my life; I love you my Angel.” I took off the ring from my finger and slipped it onto Hoopoe’s little finger and pledged my vow in earnest to him.

Suddenly, bing, I just felt that I belonged to Hoopoe, totally and completely. I felt I could completely surrender myself to him physically, emotionally and every possible way; I had no more barriers in mind.

However, since I am the conservative types, not by dress or behaviour, but, definitely by values and principles, I haven’t been able to physically surrender myself to Hoopoe even to this date, cause Marriage to me is a very important sacrament, which I cannot and will not toy with.  The urges to physically give in have been so strong, that I wonder why do I even need to hold back my physical expression of love?!?!?! He is the man I love and I chose him for eternity! However, Hoopoe too is very understanding, he tells me that he would be more than delighted, and infact, craves for that level of physical intimacy, but, he understands my feelings towards the same and respects it.

With the ring back onto my finger, I hugged Hoopoe as tightly as I could for sealing our commitment with each other, and then I broke down into some uncontrollable sob! Happiness, release of emotions, I don’t know what to call it, but, I was in Hoopoe’s arms feeling secure, loved and wanted….

Hoopoe, I need repetitions of such days my love.. I love you darling..

- Sweetness

Marriage Preparation Course III

One of the sessions that touched us was, understanding what love is, and the phases that a couple or an individual experiences, in marriage. It quite often happens that one person is at a different phase as compared to their spouse/partner, and this is when patience and understanding plays a pivotal role.
The three phases described were: Romance, Disillusionment, True Love.

Love was defined as:
Love is a feeling.
Love is a decision.
Love is also an ability.

Priorities in married life, with regards to other family members were highlighted as:
Primary priority – Spouse
Secondary priority – Children
Tertiary Priority – Parents and family

Another session that we liked was, ‘knowing our self’, which comprised of pointers and questions that led to better understanding of our behavioural patterns and the emotional family baggage that we carry.

Psychologists say that every person, at every moment has atleast 20 reasons or things to be happy about.

Another pointer given that I liked was:
If you can love/accept yourself with your negatives, you can do so to the same extent with your partner’s negatives.

We were asked to practice the following every day:
1.    Affirm 10 to 20 things that are great in your partner.
2.    Before retiring to sleep, affirm yourself in areas of love, self-worth and talent.

In yet another session, we were asked to define what Marriage meant to us:

Hoopoe defined it as:
Marriage is a life long promise of my fidelity, love, care, honesty to my partner, in all times good and bad.
It is a word to the Lord that I will take care of His creation and love it just like He does.

I defined it as:
Marriage is understanding, trust, love, fidelity, care; learning about the other, growing together as individuals and as a couple, satisfying each other’s emotional needs and at the same time giving personal space. It is an eternal journey.

Facilitators at MPC defined it to us as:
Marriage is a call to intimacy.
Marriage is a challenge to love deeply your spouse and family.

We had a session on “Growing in Intimacy” in a marital relationship which included:
Intellectual Intimacy
Emotional intimacy
Social Intimacy
Spiritual Intimacy
Physical Intimacy

Later on, we were even given an assignment, on our take on “Money Matters” in our marital life, right from celebration of the wedding to budgeting, investments etc.

In the next post on MPC, I will cover the two activities that touched a chord in our hearts, which we will cherish for a lifetime.

- Sweetness

Marriage Preparation Course II

A book named “Creative Love”, co-authored by Fr. Cajetan Menezes, Mrs. Judy Mendonsa and Dr. Kiran Coelho is brought out by the Snehalaya Family Centre Cell. All participants attending the MPC are given a copy and encouraged to read the same. The book covers the varied dimensions of Marriage and its true meaning, especially in the light of the Catholic Faith. Answers to a number of questions that covers the practical, emotional, intimate and sexual issues connected with Marriage. Explanation of the technique of Creative Natural Family Planning (CNFP) with needed diagrams and charts, as well as, explanation of the fertility cycle of both the sexes. It also has a couple of exercises to know better about yourself, and your relationship. The book makes a good and informative read. It certainly projects not only the Holiness, but also, the true meaning, pleasure and privilege of entering into such a Blessed marital bond.

At the MPC, we were asked to bring with us a notebook, a pen, and the book on Creative Love. The facilitators supplied us with a file, and material containing the pointers of the various sessions that were held. Evaluation of the sessions were conducted at the end of the course. During the period of the course, there were a couple of group discussions with and without one’s partner within the same group; discussions with one’s partner; and individual assessments as well with regards to the meaning of love, marriage, how much we know about ourselves and our partner etc. Handouts were given, as well as a couple of thought provoking audio visuals were shown.

A sheet containing 85 points, which needs to be discussed with one’s partner was also handed over. The participants were requested to cover those points before their marriage. Many of the points mentioned, pertain to the norms of the Indian society, which, if not dealt with, affects the relationship of a couple, especially, those living within Joint families.

The MPC, in the truest sense of the word made Hoopoe and I fall all the more in love with each other. It took our relationship to another level. We literally felt Blessed and made for each other kinds. Every session conducted during the course, helped us not only to understand the other better, but also, understand meaning of marriage in totality.

At the end of the course, and to this date we wish to attend many of the Marriage Enrichment Programs conducted by them. For us, it wasn’t just a course, but, more of an experience and a journey.

And how can I forget, the love songs that were played during every break, which made the atmosphere even more romantic! The hall abounded in love and positivity! That was definitely one of those times, where, Hoopoe and I just couldn’t let go off each other, we constantly wanted the other to be within our frame of vision.

What I totally appreciated was the announcement made at the start of the course:
“Being a part of this course with your partner doesn’t mean you need to go ahead with your marriage, but, rather, an eye opener about your partner, and your compatibility. If you find that there are too many issues and differences, then sort them out before you walk down the aisle, or, if there is absolutely no common ground, it would be better to go your separate ways!”

Marriage Preparation Course (MPC) I

Hoopoe and I completed our marriage preparation course more than a month and a half ago. It was one of the most beautiful experiences that we have had together as a couple. We can proudly say that we took back with us about 95% of the matter that was presented during the course; held over a period of two days. The reason we could relate to it was, because, I was part of a personal and spiritual development group for nearly two years, conducted by a priest of our parish, now, a close friend of ours. We will call this priest Fr. Deepak. I will cover the activities of our group, and, how it has helped me/us, in some other post.

Hoopoe and I, attended the non-residential MPC course conducted by the team from the Snehalaya Family Centre, held over the weekend. For the course, we were quite a number, 177 in all; the couples were in a majority (of the Catholic faith, interfaith, as well as, a couple from a completely different faith) and a few singles, whose partners were probably residing in a different country.

The facilitators from the Snehalaya team were very good. They knew their matter well, and could give concrete examples, as most of them were experienced with counselling couples. Fr. Cajetan Menezes, the director of Snehalaya Family Centre is simply amazing; lucid speech, very clear about the message he has to convey, zero frills and fancies to his speech, hits the nail straight into the head and quite humourous too. The same can be said about the couple facilitator, Judy and William Mendonsa. There was also Fr. John, who was explaining the Canon Law’s take on marriage, hats off to this priest, he certainly had the attention of the entire group, although, it was Law that he was talking about. Felt informed after his session. Also, there was a deacon who spoke about marriage being a “Covenant”. Then, there was Dr. Kiran Coelho, who gave a gist about the male and female reproductive system, explained the Creative Natural Family Planning (CNFP) technique, and, the various hazards involved with contraception and polygamy.

In the following posts, we will write about a few of the many topics covered, the highlight for us as a couple, and, we will share with you how we felt about the same.

Following is the link to website of the Snehalaya Family Centre, Mumbai.

http://www.snehalaya.in/