Restless day

January to April are very busy months for Hoopoe, he has certain courses and exams to answer for a promotion in his rank. The last Tuesday, he had a holiday and hence, he decided to drive down to my place to spend some quality time with me. I wasn’t in favour of the idea, because it’s a long and tiring drive, and I wanted him to get enough of rest, since he had driven for a long distance on Monday.

Hoopoe, tells me that he wouldn’t be staying at home; if he isn’t meeting up with me, then he would be catching up with one of his female friends (or should I say acquaintance) if and only if I would be comfortable with him doing so.

Well, there were certain considerations for me which I of course made known to him:
1.    I wanted him to use only public transport and not the car, because it is my space.
2.    Since, I am unable to physically achieve the many simple activities which he and I would like to; there could be a chance of some kind of attraction that he develops for her, which may cause a slip in our relationship. As long as he is aware of this possibility, he will be cautious in his interactions with people of the opposite sex.
3.    Also, I was not very keen on the meeting, because, I really don’t see much of a future in that friendship (although, I know, I should be no judge). The point is that, he has met her only once in his life, and this would be the second time. They are rarely in touch and became friends with her around the same time; he and I were getting to know each other.

As much as all of this was on my mind, there was “trust” that was the ruling factor. More so, I had to respect his need or want of making female friends (he has schooled in an all boys school, his college years too with guys, his work environment too, he is surrounded with guys; over and above, his only other sibling happens to be a brother), and I totally understand that. Also, there is a possibility which he has acknowledged, that I (Sweetness) am more close to guys than females, which maybe prompting him to befriend females. So, I was all okay on that front; we had a long chat about the same and I was good.

However, when the time came, and Hoopoe left from home, and, traveled quite a bit to meet up with her, I was totally restless. I couldn’t understand why I was so anxious! I thought that they would meet up for about 2 to 3 hours, but, didn’t quite expect them to spend more than 5 hours with each other; that seemed a little too much for me.

Hmmmm…Well, the issue that was actually troubling me was, that, I was unable to do the same things as comfortably as she did.

He called me up when he was with her to tell me that he loved and missed me, but, somehow, I couldn’t relate to it and didn’t respond back. Immediately, when he left for home, he called me up to find out how I was, and, recounted all that they did and spoke.. And as you would rightly guess, I showed zero interest. He told me many times, that by the way I’m responding, he felt that he shouldn’t have gone and met up with her, because I don’t seem very comfortable with it.

Anyway, when he reached home, and before retiring to sleep, we spoke to each other for a very long time, and, I was not very responsive, which was hurting him. He told me that the place was beautiful and that I would love it, and he wants to take me there. He kept reassuring me that he will help me to get well, and that, I am capable enough to go out on such drives or outings with him; that I need not be so hard on myself. He respects the limitations that I have, and chooses activities or places which are okay with me. Even after him having said all of this, I kind of was simply upset, not understanding what’s wrong with me.

We ended the conversation on a very low note, and I wished him goodnight. We generally do not address each other by our names, unless when angry. So he told me, that he wished that I didn’t call out his name, instead, used an endearing term, at least when ending for the day.

Believe me or not, that’s all it took to make me feel better!!!!! I felt, I was totally madly in love with him all over again! I felt I meant something to him; it was this idle/ insecure mind playing games. Also, I realized, I love to be pampered by him, and never tire of knowing from him that he loves me, and I mean everything to him!

So, as you see, I can be a total idiot; small little innocent things can really upset me a great deal. But, a good thing is that, I have learnt to figure out those issues and deal with them objectively.

Thank you Lord. You have gifted me with such an Angel.

I love you my Hoopoe and once again, I'm truly sorry.

- Sweetness